i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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