I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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