Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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