I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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