After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
