God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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