I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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