Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
