Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
