So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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