And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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