i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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