he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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