there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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