forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
