I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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