i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
