He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Randomize
