It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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