allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
