I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
