so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
