Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
