and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
