just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My balls are so social today.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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