Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
