if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
