There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
