soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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