You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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