I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
