Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
