My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
