I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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