well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
