The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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