i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wish my penis had a tongue
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
