Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
