my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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