saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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