I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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