you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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