i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
