SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
