guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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