so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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