If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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