How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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