Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
