I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
