I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
