Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize