Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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