it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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