She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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