Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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