very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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