I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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