Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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