Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
